..catching tales..

Stop there and kiss me

• Him: Why don't you answer my question?
• Me: Which one? *think* Oh, the jealous one?
• Him: Uhum
• Me: Well, I'm not cause I'm pretty confidence of myself

Meanwhile in this holiday..

It’s been 23 months I have been living here in Germany. Life was great, life was wonderful at the beginning. Ok, I sometimes cried myself and wished I could be back home and curl under a blanket in my comfy room, but the thought only lasted not more that 3 days. After all, I would feel fine again.

During the first 1.5 years, I earned my own money. Not much, but enough. I was pretty proud of myself because I could live abroad without any donation from my parents. I traveled here and there, see the beauty of Europe with my own pocket money, I spent then I got income every month — that was pretty amazing I would say.

Then life changed. I decided to continue my Master and moved into a smaller town in northest part of Germany. I quit the job. At one point, I ‘m glad because I’m in a process of my goal attainment. I finally back to a student life. Meet new people. Hang out with them, discuss about (lame) things happening nowadays, and overall I feel I had lotsa fun.

Until last month.
I was kinda shocked when seeing my bank account. I suddenly realized that so far I only spent money without any income. The numbers in my bank account is like a fire alarm for me. A yellow light. I got panic. Well okay, I’m lucky I got this scholarship, but it’s all in my Indonesian account and I promise myself won’t use it til I graduate. There’s no other way except I have to look for a job, any job would suffice as long as I can earn some to help me support my daily life.

Now is semester break and I canceled my plan to go back to Indonesia. For the sake of mother earth, I really want to go back home, but after I did calculation it would be a waste of money if I left to home and at the same time I have to pay my rent and bills here. I calculated then it would be more logical to stay and look for a job here.

But my buddies, it’s not as easy as my calculation. Flensburg is a small town so there are not so many job opportunities here. I sent some applications letter and all I got also rejection letters. I even feel shame of myself when McDonalds also rejected me. In one ice cafe they even accepted one Russian girl I know that can not speak German properly. She has good look to interact to customers, but without ability to speak that’s just too stupid to be true. For sake of kumis Foke, I don’t like that. I smell racism here. Ok I’m Asian and don’t have any experiences workin in a restaurant, but at least I speak good German and English. And I think I’m not that ugly to scare the customers away.

Another stupid thing also happened when I applied to this Chinese Restaurant. The owner said no to me and his reason was, “I’m sorry, but I need an Asian here.” This time really, I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. Does he think I’m an alien or what? It would be more acceptable if he said he needs (also) Chinese to work there. But using an “Asian” word, that just sounds so…wrong. And at that point I knew I smell another racism.

I got stressed out because I basically just stay home and do nothing. I watch all movies, but I can not really get into it. I read some books, but can not really concentrate. I feel jealous to my flatmate who goes to work and can earn some money. I feel tense. I become pretty sensitive. Normally if I feel bit tense, I would travel somewhere and meet new people to refresh my mind. I can do that for sure, but I choose not to because I dont want to waste more money.

Another option is sure I can ask my dad for it, but what do you think of yourself if you’re 25+ and you still ask some from your parents? Oh yeah, I would better die in hunger. Then I find another solution. I’m tryin to move to a cheaper flat, which I already found, but when I talked to my landlord he said his fuckin reasons to keep me here til the end of contract, even though on our agreement he said it would be okay for me to move earlier as long as I could find a replacement.
So take this bold lines that there’s this big possibility for me to pay double rent for a month. Aaaaarrrghhhhhh!!
Well I’m still trying to fight for my rights for sure, but I’m now just feel too tired to fight.

A good news finally comes. I finally got one job offer in a restaurant but with a quite hard work, I’ll get low working payment. I actually wanted to reject it, but I don’t have any option since I need some income :| It’s like take it or leave it. Better or nothing. In this point, I absolutely dislike if I trapped only in one option.

I keep telling myself that I can go through it all, but then I somehow feel so weak. I want to cry to my mom but then I remember my promise to always tell her only good news to make her less worry. I want her to know I’m doing alright here. That everything’s fine. Everything’s under control.

I also don’t want to tell le derp about this whole shitty stories because I don’t like to bother his vacation now. Well, actually I’m afraid if he thought I’m too much complaining.

So yeah. I’m Putt. I’m 25++. I’m not enjoying my holiday cause I’m jobless. Nice to meet you.

rgrds,
.putt.

One mo(u)rning story about religion

For those who sometimes read my trashes here in tumblr, might grumble as if I had nothing to write except my corny cheesy pathetic love story. But hey, I can write serious thing too! Which about how deep is Channing Tatum’s love to me… *eating banana from Tatum* xD

Anywayyyyyyy, as you know I’m an Indonesian woman, a proud one and marry to Channing Tatum. Clearly not to my government, but to my heritage and cultures. As most of Indonesians, both my parents are Muslim. My sister, brother, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, they are all Muslim. So am I. I was born as a Muslim. How bout my grandmas and grandpas? Oh, they followed spiritualism called Kejawen which like combining Islam and barbarian Javanese traditional culture.

Back then when I was a lil girl, my parent was not a strong Muslim believer. But luckily, since I was 5 they sent me to clubs TPA (the place where kids in Indonesia were taught to read Koran) and when I turned 8 they even invited a private male stripper “Guru” to come to our house every week to teach me and my sister about Koran. They also never fail to remind me to always pray and fasting in Ramadan.

In the same time, I spent my Elementary School in a multicultural one, which most of my friends were Christians, Catholics, Hindu, Buddha, even Confucius. I was surrounded by diversity, played with every kids from any religion background also ethnicity, and did not really care about it because I thought backgrounds played no role as long as we’re happy.

Until one point.

Once upon a time, me and my 4 friends (who 3 of em were Christian) got into a fight with a boy. This boy mocked Jesus and it made my Christian friends really angry and turn into google 5. In my opinion, I thought what this boy did was wrong and since they were my friends, I also got really angry. This boy who knew I’m a Muslim then said I’m a Kafir because I stand with Christians people. Well, thanks to his childhood this boy now is joining Al Qaeda a “company” in Middle East.

As a lil girl, I was so scared that I turned into what the boy said and I would end up in hell. I was also so scared to tell about that to my parents and my Guru because I didn’t want them pointed at me and said thing I didn’t want to hear.

But I could not really avoid the thought. As time goes by, the thing that he said was stuck in my head and unconsciously has shaped and created my mind into what I believe now.

Religion shouldn’t be a boundary to tell if one person was a good one or not. I admit that I’m not a good muslim, prolly in front of God’s and other fanatics’ eyes. I sometimes miss the 5 times prayings. I occasionally drink alcohol. I don’t cover my head. I did things that they say are forbidden.
But I still believe that there’s a biggest entity out there which created everything. Due to my selfishness, I also feel that I need someone or something to blame when I feel helpless cause it helps me to feel better. I need a place to complain, to release my anger, and that “something” would never complain back to me. I like the feeling of being listened when no one wants to listen to me. Or at least I like the feeling where I pretend to be listened. But above all, I believe I’m a good person.

A friend ever asked, why bother to keep a religion? Because you can believe God without having religion.
Frankly speaking, every people like to be connected to their family and friends through their fav media in this modern society so to say. Just name it, you choose it. Skype? Twitter? Facebook? Owls? Calls? Sms? Whatsapp? BBM?
For me, having religion is like a media to get connected to God. And it’s up to them to choose which way to communicate. I like to communicate with that entity during 5 times prayings cause I’ve been raised that way and that made me feel comfortable.

At the other hand, I never have a feeling that this religion I believe is the bestest one amongst others. Well of course for me this religion I follow offers the best comfort zone, but I never have this slight thought that people need to follow it as well because if not they would be surrounded by darkness til death eaters suck their souls.

No. Not at all.

I always try to respect others. With or without religion, believer or non-believer. I feel like I never have problem with them as long as they’re good people and treat me nicely. As long as I can be happy living side by side with them, like in my childhood.

I also got confused when another friend asked me either way I’m Sunni or Syiah. I was like wtf? To be honest, I don’t even care if I’m Sunni or Syiah because all I know I’m a Muslim.

That thing makes me wonder. Why people are so crazy towards definition, symbol, or whatsoever? Why do they like to complicate things? Don’t they know that definition kills the meaning itself? Why are they too busy finding definition and differences instead of finding the similarities?

Why do you guys in #IndonesiatanpaJIL think that you guys are better than the so called Islam liberalist just because they try to use their logic to understand of what they believe? Also why do you liberalist guys in #IndonesiatanpaFPI also think that you’re better that FPI just because most people there feel helplessly need a shelter to “protect” them from this so called crazy life? And you FPI, why do you use violence and barbarian way to push your belief towards others because you thought they’re wrong do-ers but then ironically at the end you “sell” your belief to loads of money? Why do each of you claim that you are right than others if the fact that you all are morons because you dare to claim that way.

This crazy whole shit arguing and hatred toward differences under one name of religion don’t get me. I never hate my grandparents because they follow Kejawen. In fact I love em. I was even sometimes sit next to my grandma when she tried to get connected to the Creator, and listened to her singing this old Javanese spiritual songs (tembang). That moment was clearly one of the most beautiful moments in my life.
Call me whatever because I don’t know what the true Islam that you’re arguing about is, but all I know since I was a kid that differences is beautiful.
Violence and hatred are wrong. And loving, forgiving, also respecting are always right.

rgrds,
.putt.

Win means..

When I see that you can not really get over and forget your past. When I see that you’re still an old childish guy. And that makes me happy. Knock off.

French romance

• Me: :')
• Him: Que?
• Me: Non. Que faites vous?
• Him: J'apprends les idéologies politiques.
• Me: Encore?
• Him: Tout les temps.
• Me: Uh..vous etes ennuyeux :p
• Him: Quoi?
• Me: Non :) Je suis heureux.
• Him: C'est magnifique!
• Me: Je sais :)
• Him: Ta francais est très élaboré
• Me: Oui?
• Him: Oui. Bien sure.
• Me: :*